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Not exactly what I was waiting for

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Jul. 6th, 2013 | 01:30 pm

The trailer for Desolation of Smaug has apparently been online for some time now, but I watched it just now. If you haven't already seen it, it's here.

I don't do reaction shots, but perhaps I should. Well, I'm just going to write down my initial thoughts after watching the trailer few times (and also hitting the pause button repeatedly).

Thranduil speaks just like Galadriel. Well, I guess that's to be ecpected.

They're on a boat on the Long Lake. Good. Erebor looking good.

Climbing on top of a huge dwarf statue. If that's going to be the "traces of a narrow track, often lost, often rediscovered", I'm not sure what to think. Then again, we must remember the secret stairs to Mordor, which started right at the gates of Minas Morgul.

The ruins of Dale look good, too.

Forest Elves' kingdom has the same atmosphere than Rivendell and Lothlorien, only a bit darker. That's good.

I'm still a bit baffled by how Thranduil looks. Of course he was shown in the first movie already, but still - baffled. When I read the book as a child, I imagined the Elvenking to be a bit chubby, old fellow. Perhaps the stereotype of a fairytale king had etched itself in my mind too tightly.

Now, this is the part where I loudly yelled "NO NO NO NOOOOOO!!!!" The barrels are open?! WTF?! How are you supposed to escape unnoticed if you just sit in your barrels without the lids?!

Oh, pretty butterflies and pretty laughing Bilbo on the top of an oak! But the butterflies should be darker! And how about the "sea of dark green", eh? But well, maybe Tolkien actually made a tiny mistake with this one, and the movie's fixing it. After all, it is autumn, so how should the leaves still be green? And the Elvenking had "a crown of berries and red leaves". But, colours of this scene aside, what really bugs me is this: "The forest goes on for ever and ever in all directions!" - except that there are mountains and grasslands on the left. And which mountains are those supposed to be? Ironhills? Grey mountains?

Great, more Niagara Falls stunts... And okay, they don't escape unnoticed. Well, there were far too few action scenes in the book, anyway. Not.

Teeheehee, Legolas, why you so funny and foreshadowing? (I still think it's hilarious for him to be in this movie, because it's only logical. Well, I hoped it would have been a small cameo, Legolas getting drunk at the court's festives or something like that, but this'll do.)

Wait, is that Thorin?! The elves don't catch him before they catch the others? Noooo! What about Bilbo's crowning moment of awesome, being the leader for a while, when Thorin is gone?! I still hope he gets to save them from the spiders all on his own, without those meddling elves.

What, a giang warg?! The hell?! Let's pause this... Okay, WHAT?! A giant bear equals Beorn. Mr Jackson, sir, what are you doing? Unless this is some sort of dream sequence of Bilbo, it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, and the we have Tauriel. Yes, it's awful that Tolkien wrote a book with only male characters in it. Let's throw in one elf lass to spice things up, and give the girls in the audience someone to relate to.

Btw, are Legolas and Thranduil the only blonde elves in Mirkwood?

Lake Town, looking good.

Legolas, for once, you're completely right. Don't listen to Tauriel. Just wait until the dragon is killed, and then your daddy will want his share of the booty.

That pile of gold is still exceptionally huge.

Damn wizards, brush your articulation. And I'm just waiting for all the new "It's a trap" -memes to surface.

If that's from inside of the Elvenking's halls, damn, it's fancy.

Legolas apparently keeps the same hairstyle over decades.

Gandalf and Radagast are visiting Dol Guldur? Okay, that's to be expected.

Orcs attacking elves? Aaand there's Azog, who should have been dead already before the first movie...

Oooh, spiders!

Hmm, I thought the secret tunnel was supposed to be as narrow and low as the secret door.

Others have already brought this up, but I may as well: what is Will Turner doing on Lake Town?

Who is Gandalf fighting? That can't be the Necromancer.

More orcs vs elves fighting, doesn't this thing get old?

Oh, you're going to fumble with the key, how cute. Good catch.

Ah, the orcs are going to attack when the dwarves are escaping from the elves. Good times, I'm sure.

Legolas is still the prettiest, although Tauriel knows how to leap.

Hmm, is that a dwarf attacking Gandalf? And because the place looks like Dol Guldur, I'm assuming it's Thrain, because Gandalf found him from the dungeons of the Necromancer. He does look quite witless. But shouldn't this have been in the first movie, where Gandalf should have told Thorin where he got the key and the map? Bending history again, are we, Mr Jackson?

Action, action, action. Well, maybe it's not as bad when it's actually in the movie, not in the trailer.

Oh yeah, show us the dragon!

Umm, okay? I'm still hoping that Smaug is actually going to be red and golden and orange and fiery. That this blue and dark version we've seen is just some sort of hibernation mode or something. And is Bilbo wearing the ring or not? It didn't look like he was invisible.

So, there you have it, my initial thoughts of the next part of The Hobbit -trilogy. I sincerely hope it's not going to suck, but based on the trailer, it looks like they've taken far more liberties with this one than the first part.

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